Post Office Square... or Pickup Park?

I love Post Office Square: ample number of benches in the shade and sun, live music, clean, beautiful fountain, blooming flowers, well maintained, and in close proximity to Dunkin Donuts (yes, this does matter!). It's a great place to read a book, enjoy the beautiful weather, or people watch... all without the sketchiness of Boston Common.

Until last week, I went to Post Office Square assuming that the majority of people were "looking for the same things" when going to Post Office Square. This was until I was browsing on Yelp and saw Post Office Square refereed to as Pickup Park. "WHAT?!", I thought to myself. "My park is not a place to scout out potential dates!". However, the more I thought of it, the more it made sense, and the more I decided it COULD favorable place to meet a potential mate. There would be no beer goggles or fuzzy alcohol induced memories, nor would have you have tell people you "met at a bar". Plus, it's a given that the majority of people there during lunch hour have good jobs, are self sufficient, and live in or around the Boston area.

Then, a few days ago while reading the Missed Connections on Craigslist (yes, I do this), I found a Missed Connection for "all the women in Post Office Square" from a man saying how me "loves seeing young women dressed in business clothes and high heels" and thanking them for making his lunch more pleasurable. Sadly, this Missed Connection was not directed towards me, as I frequent Post Office Square in yoga pants and sun dresses. But again, hearing about Post Office Square being such a pickup place surprised me.

Then it happened. While minding my own business and reading a book during lunch hour at Post Office Square, a good looking man sat next to me and began talking. And talking and talking and talking. Finally, after an hour, it was time for me to leave, he asked for my number and said at the very least, we could go to a restaurant we both frequent. It would have been easy enough to say "Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a great day!", but that's not how it ended. I was picked up in Pickup Park! WTF?! He seemed nice enough, and would be an enjoyable date, but I couldn't believe that this place I loved simply for a nice place to read a book was proving itself as the pickup joint it was written about online.

And I'll probably be back tomorrow!

*Ashley*

You're Not Getting Ass But You Want To Pay? OK!

Nothing can really make one feel better after a breakup. The days and weeks following such a traumatic event in ones life can seem pretty bleak. Can't stop crying. Can't eat. Everything you see reminds of you of your ex-significant other.

After about two weeks of sitting in my apartment, crying my eyes out, losing a good amount of weight from not eating, and reading an array of self-help books, I decided it was time for me to stop feeling so sorry about myself. This was HIS loss and MY gain. I was only one step closer to finding the person I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life. Riding the wave of sudden optimism, I showered, got somewhat presentable, and trotted my way down to one of my favorite restaurants on Newbury Street. Certainly, my favorite restaurant and favorite food would make me feel better, right? With my People Magazine in hand, I was looking forward to chilling at the bar and enjoying the company of myself.

Oops. That didn't last long. Did I look like a vulnerable target? Was I asking to get hit on? Certainly not. However, shortly after ordering a drink and one of my favorite comfort food lunches, two 45ish year old men sat next to me. Granted, it was 1PM on a Saturday, but this did not matter to them. They were already hammered. Talking amongst themselves, I overheard their plans of a "guys night". Finally, my lunch arrived, which apparently signaled the OK to start talking to me. I really didn't feel like talking to anyone, especially two unattractive, middle aged men; however, I played along and made small talk. In all of about 15 minutes, I learned where these men work, live, how many woman they are dating (double digits, people... may have been a lie), previous stints in rehab, their preference in clothing and jewelry, and other random facts. They offered to buy me a drink, which I respectfully declined. They then asked me to join them on their drinking tour of the city, which I respectfully declined again. This disappointed them. These men weren't going to have sex with me.

However, I was quite surprised when I requested my bill, and the men said to the bartender "I've got it. I'm paying her bill."

Wait! I rarely accept free drinks from anyone, but they want to pay for my drinks AND my food? Even after I've made it quite clear that they aren't having sex with me? Score! I politely thanked them and left. No exchange of phone numbers. No promise to see them again. They were graced with the presence of my company for twenty minutes. And for that, I earned a free meal.

*Ashley*

Staying Friends

Note: Just to make everything a little easier, I'm going to call my Ex "Patrick".

One thing I was always thankful for was how much I got along with my Patrick's friends. In particular, his closest friends who live in Boston. They have liked me since Day One, have always been super nice, and told Patrick how fond they were of me and how lucky he was to have a girl like me. This seems quite uncommon, as many times, girlfriends see boyfriend's friends as threats, and vica versa. On quite a few occasions (as strange as it may seem), Patrick's friends and I got together without him around. Whether it was because coincidentally his best friend lived very close to me, or Patrick backed out of a commitment where we were all to hang out, I developed a bond between the two of them; a friendship that really had nothing to do with Patrick.

So, when he and I broke up, I was nervous. I really liked his friends, but was it OK for me to still be friends with them? Would they be OK being friends with me? And, if I were to remain friends with them, would it be difficult... like, would it be a setback to me? Funny, because within no time, they were both texting/calling/IMing me, wanting to hang out. While my friends, well... they'd want nothing to do with Patrick.

The three of us went out to watch the Celtics game a few nights ago, and to be quite honest, it was great. While- YES... it was a little strange hanging out with them without Patrick, we spent the entire night watching the Celtics, talking about life, and frankly- me venting about Patrick. Perhaps that wasn't the best thing for me to have done, but they were seriously understanding, supportive, and able to shed light on the entire situation. A good light, that only reiterated that I've made the right decision.

I'm quite sure that they aren't going to tell Patrick that we didn't hang out. As bad as it sounds, I wish they would tell him! He'd only realize what he so badly messed up.

*Ashley*

Why I Love Self Help Books

I'll admit it. I'm a big self-help book junkie. My addiction has only been exacerbated by my recent discovery of Amazon.com (yeah, I know, a little late), and how discounted all their books are! Self help books are great because it reassures you that although you may feel incredibly lonely or lost in a particular situation, you aren't the only one whose been through it. The majority of the self help books I've read are regarding romantic relationships, although I've also read some about manifestation, forward thinking, and living a "happier life".

One book I found quite helpful when I broke up with my first boyfriend was, How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, by Howard Halpern. This book made me realize that I loved having the company of him, not being with him. I was addicted to his presence, the security he offered me, but really didn't like anything about him as a person. It sounds terrible, and I felt like crap. How could I let myself waste three and a half years with a person simply because I was used to having them around? This book made me feel OK. It explained why thousands upon thousands of people do the same thing. It helped me get the courage to break up with him, and made me realize I needed to be comfortable alone.

Coming Apart, by Daphne Kingma, claims to be the "cure to a broken heart". While I'm not sure it's a "cure", it certainly helped me get through my first breakup. It's similar to books like It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken, but aimed at an older audience. Once again, it made me realize that the pain I was feeling was a pain nearly everyone has felt in their entire life. It taught me that the feeling was only temporary, and that over time, I'd be able to love again (and it happened again!). I'm thinking I may need to re-read this book.

Most recently, post narcissism discovery (see below), I've read two books about narcissists: Narcissism: Denial of Self Truth (which I annotated, underlined, and thinking about sending my ex with a birthday card at the end of the month saying READ THIS! IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!) and Help, I'm In Love A With Narcissist. These books made me realize that my ex has a serious, serious problem. They helped me stop crying, get out of the house, and begin living life again. I am so appreciative of these books. Narcissism: The Denial of Self Truth, is written by a PhD and is much more psychology based. Help, I'm In Love With A Narcissist, is written by two regular people who have a ton of relationship stories and advice to share. Much of the book is based on real life scenarios that are picked apart by the authors (Steven Carter and Julia Sokol). Both of these books reassured me that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, and that it was likely to get worse. Imagine if I married the narcissist? Many of the stories were about people who were married to them, and they were heartbreaking to read.

Finally, both Lily and I like Dr. Phil (actually, Lily LOVES him), and we both jokingly gave one another Love Smart. Dr. Phil takes you step by step through the process of figuring out what type of mate you're looking for, where to find him, how to get his attention, and how to make him yours. It's very straightforward and simplified.

What are some of your favorite self-help books?

*Ashley*

Running Into the Ex

In retrospect, I was really lucky when I broke up with my first boyfriend. As soon as we broke up, he moved, so I never had to worry about seeing him in Boston. It made life (and the breakup) a hell of a lot easier.

Lily and I always say how small of a city Boston is. In some ways, it's a good thing. In other ways, like dating and relationships, it sucks. For instance, I just saw my ex boyfriend two times in the past 24 hours. Two complete opposite ends of the city. This must be some kind of sick joke, he's stalking me, or just a big coincidence. When we were a couple, I never saw him randomly. What the hell? We like all the same restaurants, shops, hangouts, and parks, so I guess it's bound to happen. However, this is just ridiculous.

Last night, I was minding my own business, waiting for Lily in front of one of our favorite hangouts on Newbury Street. Perhaps I should have thought to myself "Well, yes. He goes to the gym between 5-8PM most nights on Newbury Street, so I should avoid the area at all costs." Fuck no. I am not changing my way of life in avoidance of him. But lucky me, I feel a tap on my shoulder, turn around, and it's him.

As mentioned below, The Ex is a narcissist. He has no feelings, so I highly doubt he was sad post-breakup. So nearly a month post-breakup, I'm 100% sure he feels no sadness/pain regarding the end of our relationship. Narcissists cannot relate to other peoples feelings, so it would never cross his mind that it may be slightly difficult to see him.

Right away, I'm standoffish. I would have like to have screamed, cried, and been hysterical, but this was my best defense. "Is it still awkward for you to talk to me? Why don't you ask me how I am or what I've been up to?" he asks. Is he for real? Yes. It is awkward. You broke my heart and I'm trying to piece it back together. In all honesty, I don't care what you've been doing. Sarcastically, I responded, "What do you want me to do, give you a hug and kiss hello? Fine, how are you? What have you been up to?" He proceeds to tell me how busy he's been, how he's been going to the beach and working on his tan, and how great work is going. When he was done with his story (which I was half listening to) he says, "OK, I'd better go now. But talk to you soon!" Didn't ask how I was doing. Not that I would have really answered, but just another example proving that all he cares about is himself.

I guess he learned his lesson last night, because today he walked right past me, looked me in the eye, and kept right on walking. I really don't want to talk to him, because I have nothing to say. When I saw him on Newbury Street, I was so angry afterwards. I also felt empty. I wasn't happy or excited to see him like I would have been a month ago. It's so disappointing to me and saddens me that a relationship can go so bad so quickly, and that when seeing The Ex, all the great feelings you once had for them are completely erased.

*Ashley*

The Narcissist

Incredibly outgoing. Sociable. Seemingly interested in you. Showers you with compliments, and even spur-of-the-moment vacations. Freaking hot. Sounds like the perfect man, right? That's what I thought... for two years, until I was proven wrong by a series of events that convinced me that this person was quite the opposite.

Coming out of the three and a half year, incredibly unhealthy relationship, meeting someone with the above characteristics seemed too good to be true. "I don't deserve this type of guy", I thought to myself. "He's way too good for me!". He took me out to nice restaurants, introduced me to all his friends, and we shared so many common interests. We wanted the same things in life. Even our families had so much in common. Everything was great. I gave 100% of myself in the relationship. I would do anything for him and we even spoke of loving each other "unconditionally".

Slowly, things began to change. However, only being out of the relationship was I able to put together all the pieces and realise this person is suffering from Narcissist Personality Disorder. According to wiki.answers.com, traits of a narcissist include: feels grandiose and self important, obsessed with unlimited success, convinced that he/she is special/unique, requires excessive affirmation, devoid of empathy, and rage. To sum it up, a narcissist leads a unfilled life. They are in love with their IMAGE, and not their true selves.

Without going into specific details, my ex fit all these traits. He was spontaneous, and never wanted to plan. Quite a few times, he canceled large commitments he made. He was incredibly into his looks (even sent out a resume with his picture on it), and loved to look in the mirror. Being such a good looking guy, we always wondered why his friends weren't very good looking. Now, we know it's because he only wanted to make himself look better amongst them. He was constantly seeking out the meaning of life, creating drama, and would always say he was special and could achieve anything he wanted. There's so much more... but I won't bore you with the details. Finally, I discovered that he was emailing other women and asking them out on dates. This is what narcissists do. Rarely are they faithful in relationships. While they may not physically cheat (to this day, I don't think he ever did), they constantly need to make sure they are still desired by the opposite sex. He was seeking validation that other woman found him attractive and would go on a date with him. Never did he wonder if I'd be OK with this. Even when I confronted him, he didn't see anything wrong with it. He was sorry he got caught, not sorry for the act. That was it. Done. Over.

Since breaking up with him, I'm scared. Who isn't attracted to a good looking, successful, outgoing, independent man? But I wonder if I'll be able to distinguish a narcissist from someone who has a healthy level of self-esteem. My advice to women is to be especially perceptive. If they seem really into their looks, cancel commitments more than they should, complain of a unfulfilled life, and don't seem to have as much emotion towards you as they should, don't brush it off like I did- run for the hills. It's not going to change. People with NPD need years of therapy for any hope of leading a loving, fulfilled life. You can't pop a Zanex for this.

For his own sake, I hope he realises his issues. I pray he gets help, not for me, but for himself. To see a "good person" living a life like this is heartbreaking. Every ones life should be filled with meaning, emotion, and a sense of purpose. And perhaps, most importantly, the ability to love and be loved.

*Ashley*

Meet BostonSass From the Beginning

“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have love at all.”

How many times have you heard that and thought, “ugh, shut up”? Of course, you can argue both sides of it. Yes, you learn from every relationship you’re in; but whether or not you need to go through so many horrible experiences to learn your lesson is always up for debate.

However, there are some things you get out of relationships that you just can’t find anywhere else.

Almost exactly 3 years ago, my ex-boyfriend was transferring to a college in Boston, at the same time I was moving there. When he came to my apartment after his orientation and meeting his future hockey team, he said to me “Lily, I met your new best friend.” Ok, whatever you say, I thought to myself. He elaborated, “her boyfriend is captain of the hockey team. They're just like us and we’re going to have so much fun hanging out with them.” Why did he think I would get along with her so well? Because she was wearing Victoria’s Secret sweatpants that said “Pink” on the butt. Right, that’s usually my first requirement in a friend. But I humored him and promised the 4 of us could go on a double date.

That summer, the ex played hockey in a summer league and I finally got to meet Joe's girlfriend, Ashley. We hit it off immediately and spent the entire game chatting and forgetting to watch our boyfriends on the ice. That fall brought more of the same as Ashley and I traveled to all the hockey games together. Before long, we were hanging out outside of hockey games, going to lunch on Newbury St. and shopping at Copley.

Our boyfriends drifted apart and decided they didn’t like each other very much anymore, but Ashley and I stayed close. Eventually she broke up with Joe and I supported her throughout the hard decision and took her out shopping and partying in the city in an effort to forget him. She did the exact same thing for me when the ex and I broke up.

Now Ashley and I are closer than ever. Neither of us talk to our exes. And they don’t talk to each other. But Ashley and I spend endless amounts of time together and I consider her one of my best friends.

We both agree that we would go through the entire relationships with our exes again if it meant meeting each other. It was more than worth it. Since our break ups with the exes, the two of us have had many, many more experiences. So many that we decided we wanted to share them. Because let's face it, dating is tough. So is being in a relationship. And there's no better way to figure everything out than to share your stories with someone else. If you're lucky, you have a best friend who's just a martini or a phone call away. But no matter what, you're never alone; there are a whole lot of us 20-somethings out there, just trying to find our way in life and love.

I will always be thankful to my ex for knowing how much I love ”Pink” sweatpants and introducing me to my “new best friend.” I loved and lost, but in the process, I gained something much more important.

So, join us as we meet men, go on dates, share the lessons we've learned, and just have fun as 20-something girls in the city. And remember...all it takes is a little sass. And maybe a couple martinis.

*Lily*